don’t be fooled, ladies. i actually dated this guy and he only knows thirteen guitar chords. other than that, a fucking catch.
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according to their hard data and my shitty answers, it appears that every other woman on okcupid is a hell of a lot more awesome than me. compared to the preferences and answers of users just like me, i’m just a used up, frigid, co-dependent bitch who’s been around the block far too many times. and they remind me of this every time i log in.
thanks for the vote of confidence, ok cupid! i guess i’ll go back to reading Cat Fancy and sucking diet pepsi out of the cuff of my cardigan on a saturday night.
first of all, “more desiring of sex??” how do they know that? yeah, ok, maybe if they put me and her in a room with an effeminate poetry editor, she might wet her floral Hanes a drop more, but that doesn’t make me a prude; that makes me sentient!
and “more independent??” what?? man, i’m so independent sometimes my date doesn’t even know i exist! i’m so independent that i’ve had boyfriends who i hadn’t even met or contacted. you can’t get more independent than me! if you tried, you’d die cold and alone wearing a filthy cardigan inexplicably soaked in diet pepsi.
and “more pure?” Please. i wish i could unsee half of the horror and degradation i’ve seen in my life, but since i can’t, i do what any enterprising sexpot would do—i sublimate it in the bedroom. where i am constantly desiring of sex.
so who wants to take this clingy prude out on a date this weekend? anyone? anyone?? has anybody not blocked me??
after reading these tips for single ladies, NOW i get why i’m still single: poor posture, gum chewing, looking bored, drinking to oblivion, applying cold sore medication at the table, borrowing his handkerchief. i’m a dating disaster!
deep in my heart i knew it was wrong to celebrate all the single ladies with beyoncé, and now i know why: we’re being ourselves wrong.
i’m curious what the future will mock about the modern woman’s dating “tips”:
- never sleep with a man til the third date (aka third date rule)
- never let him know if you make more money than him.
- carry a conversation, but don’t seem smarter than him
- be nice to kids and animals; it’ll make you seem like “mother material.”
- talk about his interests and, where need be, feign interest in his interests.
ladies, any other ridiculous “rules” you’ve been advised to follow? and more importantly, did they work? cuz winter’s around the corner and i’ll settle for just about anyone if it means i can avoid having to go outside.
memorize just the tips here.